guarded

When you thought it was going to go right for you, 

and all along you have been ignoring your guts, 

and when it came, 

you're just trapped in your cracked little kaleidoscope, 

where you have been living when you met him, 

the one he help created with faded ink.

So you try to bring everything together,

tying those loose ends,

patching the nooks and crooks,

holding what is left for you.

But none of it could stand together,

because it wasn't meant to be together,

it tore itself,

it tore you,

it tore what's left of you.

So you build an even bigger, thicker, taller wall,

to guard your broken pieces,

to protect yourself,

to never let anyone else come in.

No one.

the racing heart: let it out

This was supposed to go up before the end of 2015 but I somehow had forgotten all about it and it was left in the draft. So here it is.

It has become way longer than I thought. Read part 1, part 2 and part 3 before diving into this.

_______________________________________

I spent my Saturday by myself at Portobello Market, one of the places I have been meaning to visit when I set my foot in London. It was full with other tourists who came from all over the world. Somehow I found myself entering Oxfam wanting to buy a book and have a read at Hyde Park.

I'm not sure if I were fated to find Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist but it had definitely caught my eyes. I was somehow eager to read the book that I hastily made my way to Hyde Park, find a spot by the lake and started to read.

How can you not love this view and the weather?

It was one of the most inspiring book I've ever read in these past few years and one of the reason why I made the decision to tell him that I liked him. The book inspired me to go after my dreams. A quote that stuck to me was,

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

Okay, fine. It isn't exactly a dream to be with someone you just met but it would be nice to BE with someone you might be destined to.

I realised that I want him. Reading that line over and over again, I was suddenly determined to tell him that I liked him. I just need to let it out, let him know. I didn't expect him to say yes or no, to accept me or to even do anything but what I did know, is that I just need to let him hear me.

The next day as I was packing my things and get ready to leave for Cardiff, I texted him asking if I could meet him. I was so nervous that I could barely eat. Okay, just kidding. I had a full bowl of jasmine rice with three Thai dishes I completely forgot its name just because I was so nervous. He replied and said,

"InsyaAllah can"

Only God knows how that made the level of nerve-wrecking feeling higher than it should be. When it was time, I said my goodbyes to my cousin and his girlfriend who was hosting me the entire trip and made my way to the place we were supposed to meet. I was already running late and I thought I could make it for my bus that was scheduled to leave at 9pm.

All the while I was on the train, I had the most unnerving feeling ever. And the last time I had that feeling was years back when I confessed to a Chinese guy that I liked him. That butterfly cluttering around in your tummy, the over-thinking mind replaying over and over again what you rehearsed, heart beating fast and slow all at the same time, I just feel like a mess at that time.

Arriving at 7.45pm, I ordered the usual Ferrero Rocher Milkshake and waited for him. I kept on glancing at my watch and the door hoping that he would come faster since I'm afraid I might miss my bus. And there he was, striding in the restaurant like he always do.

He ordered a burger and I just went on asking how his day was. We talked as usual with me trying to cover the tsunami of emotions bubbling under. Then I saw my watch pointing at 8.30pm. I convinced myself that I could make it for my bus. But I had to say it now or I'll miss my ride.

"I have something to say", I said.

"Oh what? Just say it" he mustered.

"Okayyyy I don't know how to say it but...." while feeling the heat coming up to my face. I was turning red and I kept on mumbling "This is so embarrassing. Oh gosh I don't know how to say this. But I just want you to know that I had a great time these past few days and I hope you did too".

Seeing me behaving weirdly, I knew he got a glimpse of what I'm about to say.

"I think you know what I'm about to say"

"Mmhmm"

"Well......, I like you. But as a friend. But slightly more than a friend. But I'm not expecting you to say yes or no or anything but I just need to say it to you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. My face is red right?" I said as I try to smile and keep my cool.

"Well, thank you for telling me face to face. I appreciate it. And I did had fun. But I have a girlfriend" he said.

Okay, pause. Rewind back two months before when I first had lunch with him.

Remember when he told that he wanted to get married but didn't have anybody to get married with. Not even a girlfriend. Two months after he suddenly has one. Bum. Mer.

Okay. Play.

If only he knew that last phrase crushed me so deep but I didn't have the intention of him to say anything so I just accepted it.

"I know and I'm not expecting anything from you. I just need to say it to you. I just feel like you're the midpoint person I need to meet before I meet the person I'm going to end up with" I explained.

"Okay. But why me?"

I explained about the prayer that I made and how I had bumped into him after that as if it was a sign. 

Deep inside, I wanted to tell him that he was the first person that I've met that hold all the things that I want in a man. I know he's not perfect but somehow I can accept all his flaws and he was the first one that made me feel that without even trying. He had a bad past but so did I. We had almost the same family background and we could understand each other well. I'm at the stage where looks don't matter to me but his intelligence caught me (despite everyone saying that he's a good looking guy). The way he brings himself, the way he thinks, the way he talks to his dad. All the little things that he did without realising it and I like it just the way he is. I swear we even look good together in pictures. Okay fine that last one was just a justification I needed to make :p

Others might think that he's not perfect but he's perfect to me. I wanted to say all that but what I said to him was all that I could utter at that time. 

Realising it was 8.45pm, I told him I've got to go or I'll miss my bus. Well, at that rate, I am definitely going to miss my bus but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go away from him. But once again, he became that gentleman I knew he was and offered to walk me to the tube station. I was walking so fast he was left slightly behind. 

When we reached to the station, we said our goodbyes. He hugged me and kissed my head while apologising for making me miss my ride. I told him it wasn't his fault and I was the one who didn't notice the time. Still concerned about me, he told me to update him when I get to the station. 

5 minutes to 9pm and the train I was supposed to take is still not in sight. I knew at that point my ticket is burned and I just prayed the next bus home wouldn't cost me much. 9.02pm and I boarded the train. My mind was still lingering around what happened earlier. I kept on playing it in my head over and over again like a broken record. 

I made a scene where I told him the things that I really wanted to tell him, why he had somehow made me like him, and where everything just goes right. Alas, time was not on my side. I rushed to the coach station and asked for the cheapest ride for that night. My bus was due at 11pm so I called him and told him that I've managed to get a ride back home.

"I feel bad that you missed the bus. I'm so sorry"

"No it's okay. It was my fault too. I didn't realise the time. Don't blame yourself".

"Okay"

"I hope everything is still fine between us. I hope I didn't made it awkward and weird between us and I hope we are still in good terms".

"Of course we're still in good terms and it's okay. We are adults. I need to take a nap before I wake up for sahur. Text me when you're about to leave okay? Take care".

That has somehow comforted me. Even a little bit, I was glad that we are still okay. 

"Okay, will do. Take care".

All the while waiting for the bus, I was wondering if I had made the right move. I suddenly was doubting myself and was thinking I was a fool to tell him that. Why would you tell him now? You've just met him like three times. It's too fast for you to like someone. I think this was a mistake. But even if it was a mistake, it's already done. Move on Izzah.

By the time I reached Cardiff at 3am, I felt relieved. I called my best friend to tell her what happened and she consoled me telling he's not the one for me and everything happens for a reason. The right one will come. And I suddenly had that belief, the right one is going to come soon. I'm not sure if I should trust myself again this time but you can only trust yourself when it comes to feelings. 

And that was the end. We never talked to each other again. But he did like my posts on Instagram. Err that is a good sign right? Still friends right? Hehe.

And that's the story of the man who made my heart raced and made it alive again. To this day, I still believe that God has sent him to show me how I could still feel the emotion that I asked for and He is just keeping the right one for me until I'm fully ready. Subhanallah.

Until then, I'm just going to improve myself by being a better Muslim, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend and most importantly, the best version of me that I could be. Wish me luck!

AND. Thank you to whoever that has made it this far to read this ridiculously long post! You are amazing. I hope you learned a thing or two from my experience. Oh and I would love to read your stories too. Share with me :)

Toodles!

the one worth looking up to

Before I go on with this post, I would like to wish all fathers, a Happy Papa's Day! You are always the yes' to the no's from mamas around the world :D

If you may have noticed, I rarely never talk about my dad here. Who is he, what happened to him, where is he, does he even exist and all that sort. I would always refer my grandpa as the father figure of my life (which he is and will always be) and most of my friends who've met my grandpa would always remember him. Truth is, I am no longer living with my dad since he has another family of his own.

My parents were separated when I was about 10 years old but honestly, I didn't feel anything when he went away. All I know back then was that he gave my sisters and I a Barbie doll each and said he will see us every weekend while packing up boxes of things into his car.

I didn't really understand what was going on even after Mama told us that we're going to see him once a week. But it got to me when I was in Standard 6 during my primary school when one of my friends told me that my parents were divorced. I was really nonchalant about it though since I think I got used to it. Now, we still meet once a year or when we need to but really, it doesn't matter to me. All I know is that he is still my father no matter what happens and I should respect him, that's all.

Because to me, Atok is the one acting as a father to me and my sisters.  Hey, actions do speak louder than words. I have Atok who drives me to school in the morning, picks me up in the afternoon and drives me again to afternoon religious school and pick me up after that. That was the usual routine that I had along with my sisters. My late grandma was the one who cooks for us and helps us get dressed while singing and watching her favourite shows on the television. Oh gosh, writing this out makes me miss Nenek so much. Al-fatihah to her. Mama would check on us after she comes back from work and would bring us to our music lessons during the weekends. It was pretty much normal to me up until high school.

Sometimes, I do get a little jealous over my friends who still have both their parents together. You can see the dynamics of their parents and they way they act with each other just how much care they have. To my friends whose parents are still together, be thankful and cherish them cause it took them a lot of hard work to make the relationship last this long. To those who don't, you're not alone. In fact, your single parent is somewhat a superhero. They could do things that requires two people. How amazing is that?! :D I am just glad Atok and Nenek stood by Mama when everything else was failing or I'm sure my sisters and I would not be where we are now.

It has been four years since Nenek left us and all I have now is Mama and Atok. Oh Atok, there are so many things that I am so proud of you and things that just drives me up to the wall sometimes. But my love for you just grew bigger everyday.

After all the scolding that I get for getting home late, for crashing my aunt's car with my big sister when we were 13 and 15 years old (big sister got straight A's in her PMR after that haha), being dragged to climb the trees to collect the fruits cause Atok's legs are weak to climb it. All the memories I have with Atok are precious to me.

I love it when he starts to tell his adventure stories when he was in the army. How tough it was coming from a family who could only afford to eat when the crops were good. The distance he would have to walk to school from his house since he could not afford to buy a bicycle. He would always remind me to be thankful for everything that I have now and he is always happy that he could provide his family and didn't have to go through the things he went through before.

To me, Atok is a genius. He skipped two years of primary school, jumping from Standard 2 to Standard 5. He wanted to go to college but since he had no funds, he chose to join the Malayan Armed Forces. He was a disciplined man (not like his granddaughters :p), who worked really hard, sincere and stand by his principles.

He was one of the few that was chosen to attend military training in the British Military Academy in Sandhurst, England. He would send the money he had back home to my late great-grandmother and make sure his little brothers are taken care of properly. He really was the father of his family since my great-grandfather passed away when Atok was only 7 years old. When Atok was 40 years old, the army sent him to Manchester to study a degree course for one year. ONE YEAR okay. It's like doing Masters except 3 years worth of study all cramped into one year! But my Atok pulled it off and graduated with flying colours! He retired holding one of the top posts in the army just amazes me.

Along the way, he was the financial controller of the family. He was and is still wise on what he needs to spend, something I still need to learn from him cause I can't stop shopping :p He plans his investments, minimise spending on unnecessary items like new clothes every month (unlike his second granddaughter who buys every week. Eeks okay got to stop), he buys properties and develop them so it could generate income. All that was worth it because today, he managed to send his granddaughter to study in the UK. And I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. He is religious and pious. He knows how to bring himself around and whenever he's not worried on something, his smile is the best smile I could ever dream of.

Nothing can replace him and he is the only man worth looking up to. I still have a long way to go, many things to learn and I wish I could be just like him. Well, to start off I have the impatient part instilled just like Atok and we do share the same birthday (coming up in few weeks!) haha.

Happy Father's Day Atok. You will always be the father to me. Oh and you'll get the card by this week. I forgot to send it off while I was keeping my head in my dissertation. I love you!

the racing heart: the plan

If you missed the first part, click here :)

____________________________________________________________

Now, where was I. Oh yes that tingly, good feeling.

After the career fair, I head on with an acquaintance for an Easter break trip. During the trip to Amsterdam, Brussels and Paris, all I had in my mind was just the day I had with him. I was enjoying the trip but there was a little voice constantly whispering to me how it would be nicer if he was the one with me on this trip. 

Throughout the 12 days of travelling, I just wished I could experience it with him. At that point I realised I definitely had developed a crush on him. I couldn't believe myself but I noticed that I talked about him too many times with my sisters. Even my sisters thought I had gone angau (eeks this is so so so embarrassing!).

I remembered I was at the top of Eiffel tower when I texted him telling him I was still safe despite travelling with a person I barely knew (okay that is a different story entirely). Just getting his replies blew me with excitement. I am completely over my head I tell you (pft! This is so not Izzah).

I even compared how he outweighs the guy who I've been travelling with and he was completely at the top of the scale, if there is one. Ah the things you think about when you're crushing on someone. This sounds hilarious by the way. The crazy things that we do haha

One with the Eiffel Tower!

Realising how much I wanted to see him again sparked an idea. He was going back to Malaysia for a couple of weeks for Easter break and I knew I had to ask him a favour to bring something back from Malaysia so I can pick it up from him and indirectly meeting him, again. 

Genius huh? :p

Being a good person that he is he said he could help me with the favour. So I asked my sister to buy my favourite pineapple tart that I was really, really craving for and arranged for the delivery. The plan worked. I was due to be in London end of May for an interview for my dissertation and I checked with him if he was free during the period I'll be in London.

"Yup, I'm free. Let me know the date you'll be coming".

I swear I jumped in happiness. I mean come on, who does not feel happy when they were to meet their crush right? It's normal peeps. Completely normal.

Tickets to London and coming back here, booked.
Accommodation with cousin, check.
Outfit after some last minute shopping, check.
Hearts going faster just thinking of him, definitely 100% check!

To be continued.

the racing heart: the first meeting

I have tried writing countless of time to make it as short as possible but it just turned out long so I had them divided into a few parts :)

____________________________________________________

It's a mistake for me to over-generalise that everyone has had their heart racing for a certain reason but I'd like to think that for now.

I have never had my heart beat as fast as it did for few years now up until last two weeks. You might think that it sounds bad but to me, it's actually a blessing in disguise.

I had actually prayed for that feeling to come and Alhamdulillah, He answered my prayers, albeit not exactly how I wanted but I'll understand when the real reason comes. Since becoming partner-less for  almost four years, partly due to the wall I built to refrain myself from getting hurt again and also because I enjoy the solitude. I love it so much that I thought I had lost the capability to ever have at least a bit of crush to another person.

So I prayed that one night before going to a career fair in London end of March asking Him to at least let me feel what it's like and let me know if I am still human without expecting when and how it will happen. I know it's a bit dramatic but I just need to have that concern addressed.

At the Malaysian Career Fair right before I bumped into him

Truly He is the Almighty, I bumped into an old colleague from the place I was interning before, when I was on my way out from the hotel the career fair was held. I didn't notice him at first but I did see a guy pointing his finger at me while making a ridiculously funny face.

I thought he was pointing to someone who was behind me but as I glanced back, I didn't see anybody. He kept on doing that face until he shouted my name. Surprised by that it was my turn to make the weirdest face I could possibly imagine and asked "who are you?".

He uttered his name and I still couldn't figure out who he was until he mentioned the department he worked for. It has been a couple of years since I last did my internship and I didn't exactly keep in touch with some of the people there. He was one of them (if you're reading this, oopsie sorry :p).

He was pursuing his Masters here just like I am and honestly, it is the last place I would expect to bump into someone from the past. We even had each other's numbers! Since I was rushing back home, he texted me telling me if I was ever in the area where he was staying we could catch up.

We did the next day and surprisingly, for two people whose topic would consist of only work-related topics few years ago and never had anything beyond that, we talked as if we've known each other for a very long time. We were very open with each other and we could just practically talk about anything.

But the one thing that caught me and I remembered it til this day was how he said that he wants to get married but he didn't have anybody in mind, i.e. he's still single. It went on like this,

Him: I want to get married

Me: Oh are you engaged? *feeling delighted so I could congratulate him*

Him: No *saying it while grinning*

Me: Then, you have a girlfriend? *starting to doubt his next answer*

Him: No *he laughed*

Me: Then who are you going to marry? Haha

Him: That's the problem. I don't know *he said sheepishly*

I just had a huge laugh when he said that. But at that moment, that was one of the point where I thought he was the person I might end up with. 

By the end of the day, we said our goodbyes and on the train ride back, I caught myself smiling to myself.  This has not happened for a very long time and I just had that warm, tingly, good feeling. I haven't met someone that I could just click instantly for a very very long time and I just had that feeling that he was the one. 

Crazy right? How you can meet someone and you suddenly have that feeling like they're going to be your life partner. 

But, I must warn you, things may have not go as you'd expect.

To be continued

Sephora Coming VERY Soon!

Ohmaigawd!

I just cannot contain my happiness from hearing the new that Sephora is going to open on the 28th April! Or so I heard from the rumours :p

Hehe

But still, for you make up junkies obviously (like me too :p) you would obviously believe it, right?

I've found an article on MSN saying it will be opened early May but as the rumours goes around, Sephora is expected to launch this Thursday!

SEPHORA OPENS EARLY MAY

*Blast my head off!*

I want the NAKED palette! Everyone else is lemming for it and I MUST grab it too!

But sadly I'll be at Melaka until this Saturday for my VIVA and interview for degree.

T__________________________T

Calm down Izzah, it's your future you're talking about. Chill.  Anybody who is going for the opening let me know what brands they're going to bring in, please? :D

Time for research report again!

Willwritelater XP

Weddings.....

........always gets me. I am a sucker for romantic stuff be it cliche or just uber extraordinary.

You can often see my eyes totally drown in tears whenever I attend a wedding. Few months ago while reading proudduck's blog (as an everyday routine :p), she posted about her friend, Nana and Syafiq's, reception and I was in awe with the setting of the reception.

Everything looks perfect and I SUPER LOVE the bride's wedding dress :D

Few days ago, my roommate was googling some ideas for our assignment and she came across a video of a wedding and showed it to me (were you even looking for ideas, roomie? :p).

Maybe it was a girl's instinct or it was just my memory catching up with the graphics that I pointed out it was proudduck's friend's wedding!

My eyes were totally drown in tears to see the couple looking super sweet (cue: awwwwww.......). In my mind I was totally screaming 'I WANT THAT KIND OF WEDDING TOO!'.

This will be my dream wedding :D

If you don't believe me, check out the video :) It is produced by manggis.tv.

The Akad Nikah itself is already mind-blowing let alone the reception. Ahhhh....I feel like it's a fairytale :)

Ps: The picture is only a screenshot as proudduck has copyrighted her images and it is just wrong to steal other people's photographs.

Willwritelater XP

Patience

I smiled when I saw this in a book I read recently :)

I will.

Willwritelater XP

So Near Yet So Far

Everyone knows this thing called L-O-V-E.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It comes to you in various ways and sometimes in ways that you'd never expect them to come to you. One might search for it and one would rather sit and wait til the right person comes and drag them of on a shiny white stead.

It might surprise you or you just had seen it coming all along but are waiting for that person to make a move.

Or you might want to risk it all and brave up to tell that person that you like or love them.

Hey, a relationship does not always start with a straight 'I Love You' phrase. In our modern world, it might start with a simple comment on Facebook or a text message asking for something random.

It will then develop into a daily text that you unexpectedly feel anxious to get them. Or even waiting beside your handphone, counting the clock ticking until the next text message comes.

If you are lucky, you might end up going out with them or the other way round.

Alas, in the situation that my friend were in goes a little bit like the above but what happens when the person you are texting and going out with is your best friend's ex?

Oh I know what you're thinking. 'It's not right', 'Doesn't it feel awkward?', 'Why would you want to date with your best friend's ex?! O.O' and 'Don't you read the unwritten rule of the dating world?! >:('.

Ok, I just made up the last one :P Hehe

Before I go further, let's just say my friend is 'A' and her best friend is 'B'

In A's situation, B had clearly said that B's okay with A dating with B's ex. So what is the problem?

Well, B's ex find it weird and wrong to be dating A. So B's ex told A that he can't date A and suddenly the ex deleted his Facebook account and dissappeared out from the sight.

I can show you stuffs to prove that B is completely fine with her BFF dating with her other ex but obviously because of certain reasons I can't.

One thing's for sure is one of B's BFF is currently dating one of B's exes :O

And why B is so okay with her BFF dating her other exes is because she's got her head up on cloud 9 with other guys :P

Another interesting thing is B's ex never told A that he likes her and A had never even mentioned that she likes him (or maybe they did not realize that they have feelings for each other).

As I said before, things happen in a way you never expect them to be whether you've seen it ahead or it holds you with surprise.

I am waiting to see what happens next in A's life. Would B's ex finally realize that B is okay with it and be with A or will he try to hide his feelings from her and regret it later?

Willwritelater XP

Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding

One of my favourites songs :)

It loves me so much it got stuck in my head for days :P

She won the Critics Choice Award at the 2010 BRITt Awards recently and she was definitely awesome! :D

This was her performance during the BRIT Awards Launch Party. Enjoy!



Ps: I love the British flag at the back and her outfit! Me loves glitter! :D

Willwritelater XP

what is this feeling?

These past few days has been weird for me.

Emotionally I mean.

I don't seem to have the mood to eat but whenever I eat I can feel that my stomach is actually empty and dying for food to be curned inside.

Weird.

Then comes the butterflies. I have not had these kinds of butterflies for a LONG time. Seriously. It's the type of butterflies you feel in your stomach when you're nervous. This is not like the nervous you feel when you're about to talk in front of thousands of people but the ones that you feel when....

Urgh, can't describe it.

:(

Another one is when I would caught myself smiling whenever I think of something. Like it made me really happy that I want to remember it. Lol.. I am actually smiling now thinking of it.

:D

Anyways, if you ever felt this way can you tell me what are the odds of behaving like this? Would really appreciate it. :)

Ps: I'm at Shah Alam now. Going home with my sister tomorrow! Yeay! But with assignments int he baggage.. No yeay for that :(

Willwritelater XP

From The Heart

I wish you to be right beside me.

But you're so far away so I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!

:)

Miss you

Take care and remember this girl is waiting for you while counting every second in her life :)

Willwritelater XP