the racing heart: let it out

This was supposed to go up before the end of 2015 but I somehow had forgotten all about it and it was left in the draft. So here it is.

It has become way longer than I thought. Read part 1, part 2 and part 3 before diving into this.

_______________________________________

I spent my Saturday by myself at Portobello Market, one of the places I have been meaning to visit when I set my foot in London. It was full with other tourists who came from all over the world. Somehow I found myself entering Oxfam wanting to buy a book and have a read at Hyde Park.

I'm not sure if I were fated to find Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist but it had definitely caught my eyes. I was somehow eager to read the book that I hastily made my way to Hyde Park, find a spot by the lake and started to read.

How can you not love this view and the weather?

It was one of the most inspiring book I've ever read in these past few years and one of the reason why I made the decision to tell him that I liked him. The book inspired me to go after my dreams. A quote that stuck to me was,

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

Okay, fine. It isn't exactly a dream to be with someone you just met but it would be nice to BE with someone you might be destined to.

I realised that I want him. Reading that line over and over again, I was suddenly determined to tell him that I liked him. I just need to let it out, let him know. I didn't expect him to say yes or no, to accept me or to even do anything but what I did know, is that I just need to let him hear me.

The next day as I was packing my things and get ready to leave for Cardiff, I texted him asking if I could meet him. I was so nervous that I could barely eat. Okay, just kidding. I had a full bowl of jasmine rice with three Thai dishes I completely forgot its name just because I was so nervous. He replied and said,

"InsyaAllah can"

Only God knows how that made the level of nerve-wrecking feeling higher than it should be. When it was time, I said my goodbyes to my cousin and his girlfriend who was hosting me the entire trip and made my way to the place we were supposed to meet. I was already running late and I thought I could make it for my bus that was scheduled to leave at 9pm.

All the while I was on the train, I had the most unnerving feeling ever. And the last time I had that feeling was years back when I confessed to a Chinese guy that I liked him. That butterfly cluttering around in your tummy, the over-thinking mind replaying over and over again what you rehearsed, heart beating fast and slow all at the same time, I just feel like a mess at that time.

Arriving at 7.45pm, I ordered the usual Ferrero Rocher Milkshake and waited for him. I kept on glancing at my watch and the door hoping that he would come faster since I'm afraid I might miss my bus. And there he was, striding in the restaurant like he always do.

He ordered a burger and I just went on asking how his day was. We talked as usual with me trying to cover the tsunami of emotions bubbling under. Then I saw my watch pointing at 8.30pm. I convinced myself that I could make it for my bus. But I had to say it now or I'll miss my ride.

"I have something to say", I said.

"Oh what? Just say it" he mustered.

"Okayyyy I don't know how to say it but...." while feeling the heat coming up to my face. I was turning red and I kept on mumbling "This is so embarrassing. Oh gosh I don't know how to say this. But I just want you to know that I had a great time these past few days and I hope you did too".

Seeing me behaving weirdly, I knew he got a glimpse of what I'm about to say.

"I think you know what I'm about to say"

"Mmhmm"

"Well......, I like you. But as a friend. But slightly more than a friend. But I'm not expecting you to say yes or no or anything but I just need to say it to you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. My face is red right?" I said as I try to smile and keep my cool.

"Well, thank you for telling me face to face. I appreciate it. And I did had fun. But I have a girlfriend" he said.

Okay, pause. Rewind back two months before when I first had lunch with him.

Remember when he told that he wanted to get married but didn't have anybody to get married with. Not even a girlfriend. Two months after he suddenly has one. Bum. Mer.

Okay. Play.

If only he knew that last phrase crushed me so deep but I didn't have the intention of him to say anything so I just accepted it.

"I know and I'm not expecting anything from you. I just need to say it to you. I just feel like you're the midpoint person I need to meet before I meet the person I'm going to end up with" I explained.

"Okay. But why me?"

I explained about the prayer that I made and how I had bumped into him after that as if it was a sign. 

Deep inside, I wanted to tell him that he was the first person that I've met that hold all the things that I want in a man. I know he's not perfect but somehow I can accept all his flaws and he was the first one that made me feel that without even trying. He had a bad past but so did I. We had almost the same family background and we could understand each other well. I'm at the stage where looks don't matter to me but his intelligence caught me (despite everyone saying that he's a good looking guy). The way he brings himself, the way he thinks, the way he talks to his dad. All the little things that he did without realising it and I like it just the way he is. I swear we even look good together in pictures. Okay fine that last one was just a justification I needed to make :p

Others might think that he's not perfect but he's perfect to me. I wanted to say all that but what I said to him was all that I could utter at that time. 

Realising it was 8.45pm, I told him I've got to go or I'll miss my bus. Well, at that rate, I am definitely going to miss my bus but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go away from him. But once again, he became that gentleman I knew he was and offered to walk me to the tube station. I was walking so fast he was left slightly behind. 

When we reached to the station, we said our goodbyes. He hugged me and kissed my head while apologising for making me miss my ride. I told him it wasn't his fault and I was the one who didn't notice the time. Still concerned about me, he told me to update him when I get to the station. 

5 minutes to 9pm and the train I was supposed to take is still not in sight. I knew at that point my ticket is burned and I just prayed the next bus home wouldn't cost me much. 9.02pm and I boarded the train. My mind was still lingering around what happened earlier. I kept on playing it in my head over and over again like a broken record. 

I made a scene where I told him the things that I really wanted to tell him, why he had somehow made me like him, and where everything just goes right. Alas, time was not on my side. I rushed to the coach station and asked for the cheapest ride for that night. My bus was due at 11pm so I called him and told him that I've managed to get a ride back home.

"I feel bad that you missed the bus. I'm so sorry"

"No it's okay. It was my fault too. I didn't realise the time. Don't blame yourself".

"Okay"

"I hope everything is still fine between us. I hope I didn't made it awkward and weird between us and I hope we are still in good terms".

"Of course we're still in good terms and it's okay. We are adults. I need to take a nap before I wake up for sahur. Text me when you're about to leave okay? Take care".

That has somehow comforted me. Even a little bit, I was glad that we are still okay. 

"Okay, will do. Take care".

All the while waiting for the bus, I was wondering if I had made the right move. I suddenly was doubting myself and was thinking I was a fool to tell him that. Why would you tell him now? You've just met him like three times. It's too fast for you to like someone. I think this was a mistake. But even if it was a mistake, it's already done. Move on Izzah.

By the time I reached Cardiff at 3am, I felt relieved. I called my best friend to tell her what happened and she consoled me telling he's not the one for me and everything happens for a reason. The right one will come. And I suddenly had that belief, the right one is going to come soon. I'm not sure if I should trust myself again this time but you can only trust yourself when it comes to feelings. 

And that was the end. We never talked to each other again. But he did like my posts on Instagram. Err that is a good sign right? Still friends right? Hehe.

And that's the story of the man who made my heart raced and made it alive again. To this day, I still believe that God has sent him to show me how I could still feel the emotion that I asked for and He is just keeping the right one for me until I'm fully ready. Subhanallah.

Until then, I'm just going to improve myself by being a better Muslim, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend and most importantly, the best version of me that I could be. Wish me luck!

AND. Thank you to whoever that has made it this far to read this ridiculously long post! You are amazing. I hope you learned a thing or two from my experience. Oh and I would love to read your stories too. Share with me :)

Toodles!