the racing heart: let it out

This was supposed to go up before the end of 2015 but I somehow had forgotten all about it and it was left in the draft. So here it is.

It has become way longer than I thought. Read part 1, part 2 and part 3 before diving into this.

_______________________________________

I spent my Saturday by myself at Portobello Market, one of the places I have been meaning to visit when I set my foot in London. It was full with other tourists who came from all over the world. Somehow I found myself entering Oxfam wanting to buy a book and have a read at Hyde Park.

I'm not sure if I were fated to find Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist but it had definitely caught my eyes. I was somehow eager to read the book that I hastily made my way to Hyde Park, find a spot by the lake and started to read.

How can you not love this view and the weather?

It was one of the most inspiring book I've ever read in these past few years and one of the reason why I made the decision to tell him that I liked him. The book inspired me to go after my dreams. A quote that stuck to me was,

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

Okay, fine. It isn't exactly a dream to be with someone you just met but it would be nice to BE with someone you might be destined to.

I realised that I want him. Reading that line over and over again, I was suddenly determined to tell him that I liked him. I just need to let it out, let him know. I didn't expect him to say yes or no, to accept me or to even do anything but what I did know, is that I just need to let him hear me.

The next day as I was packing my things and get ready to leave for Cardiff, I texted him asking if I could meet him. I was so nervous that I could barely eat. Okay, just kidding. I had a full bowl of jasmine rice with three Thai dishes I completely forgot its name just because I was so nervous. He replied and said,

"InsyaAllah can"

Only God knows how that made the level of nerve-wrecking feeling higher than it should be. When it was time, I said my goodbyes to my cousin and his girlfriend who was hosting me the entire trip and made my way to the place we were supposed to meet. I was already running late and I thought I could make it for my bus that was scheduled to leave at 9pm.

All the while I was on the train, I had the most unnerving feeling ever. And the last time I had that feeling was years back when I confessed to a Chinese guy that I liked him. That butterfly cluttering around in your tummy, the over-thinking mind replaying over and over again what you rehearsed, heart beating fast and slow all at the same time, I just feel like a mess at that time.

Arriving at 7.45pm, I ordered the usual Ferrero Rocher Milkshake and waited for him. I kept on glancing at my watch and the door hoping that he would come faster since I'm afraid I might miss my bus. And there he was, striding in the restaurant like he always do.

He ordered a burger and I just went on asking how his day was. We talked as usual with me trying to cover the tsunami of emotions bubbling under. Then I saw my watch pointing at 8.30pm. I convinced myself that I could make it for my bus. But I had to say it now or I'll miss my ride.

"I have something to say", I said.

"Oh what? Just say it" he mustered.

"Okayyyy I don't know how to say it but...." while feeling the heat coming up to my face. I was turning red and I kept on mumbling "This is so embarrassing. Oh gosh I don't know how to say this. But I just want you to know that I had a great time these past few days and I hope you did too".

Seeing me behaving weirdly, I knew he got a glimpse of what I'm about to say.

"I think you know what I'm about to say"

"Mmhmm"

"Well......, I like you. But as a friend. But slightly more than a friend. But I'm not expecting you to say yes or no or anything but I just need to say it to you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. My face is red right?" I said as I try to smile and keep my cool.

"Well, thank you for telling me face to face. I appreciate it. And I did had fun. But I have a girlfriend" he said.

Okay, pause. Rewind back two months before when I first had lunch with him.

Remember when he told that he wanted to get married but didn't have anybody to get married with. Not even a girlfriend. Two months after he suddenly has one. Bum. Mer.

Okay. Play.

If only he knew that last phrase crushed me so deep but I didn't have the intention of him to say anything so I just accepted it.

"I know and I'm not expecting anything from you. I just need to say it to you. I just feel like you're the midpoint person I need to meet before I meet the person I'm going to end up with" I explained.

"Okay. But why me?"

I explained about the prayer that I made and how I had bumped into him after that as if it was a sign. 

Deep inside, I wanted to tell him that he was the first person that I've met that hold all the things that I want in a man. I know he's not perfect but somehow I can accept all his flaws and he was the first one that made me feel that without even trying. He had a bad past but so did I. We had almost the same family background and we could understand each other well. I'm at the stage where looks don't matter to me but his intelligence caught me (despite everyone saying that he's a good looking guy). The way he brings himself, the way he thinks, the way he talks to his dad. All the little things that he did without realising it and I like it just the way he is. I swear we even look good together in pictures. Okay fine that last one was just a justification I needed to make :p

Others might think that he's not perfect but he's perfect to me. I wanted to say all that but what I said to him was all that I could utter at that time. 

Realising it was 8.45pm, I told him I've got to go or I'll miss my bus. Well, at that rate, I am definitely going to miss my bus but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go away from him. But once again, he became that gentleman I knew he was and offered to walk me to the tube station. I was walking so fast he was left slightly behind. 

When we reached to the station, we said our goodbyes. He hugged me and kissed my head while apologising for making me miss my ride. I told him it wasn't his fault and I was the one who didn't notice the time. Still concerned about me, he told me to update him when I get to the station. 

5 minutes to 9pm and the train I was supposed to take is still not in sight. I knew at that point my ticket is burned and I just prayed the next bus home wouldn't cost me much. 9.02pm and I boarded the train. My mind was still lingering around what happened earlier. I kept on playing it in my head over and over again like a broken record. 

I made a scene where I told him the things that I really wanted to tell him, why he had somehow made me like him, and where everything just goes right. Alas, time was not on my side. I rushed to the coach station and asked for the cheapest ride for that night. My bus was due at 11pm so I called him and told him that I've managed to get a ride back home.

"I feel bad that you missed the bus. I'm so sorry"

"No it's okay. It was my fault too. I didn't realise the time. Don't blame yourself".

"Okay"

"I hope everything is still fine between us. I hope I didn't made it awkward and weird between us and I hope we are still in good terms".

"Of course we're still in good terms and it's okay. We are adults. I need to take a nap before I wake up for sahur. Text me when you're about to leave okay? Take care".

That has somehow comforted me. Even a little bit, I was glad that we are still okay. 

"Okay, will do. Take care".

All the while waiting for the bus, I was wondering if I had made the right move. I suddenly was doubting myself and was thinking I was a fool to tell him that. Why would you tell him now? You've just met him like three times. It's too fast for you to like someone. I think this was a mistake. But even if it was a mistake, it's already done. Move on Izzah.

By the time I reached Cardiff at 3am, I felt relieved. I called my best friend to tell her what happened and she consoled me telling he's not the one for me and everything happens for a reason. The right one will come. And I suddenly had that belief, the right one is going to come soon. I'm not sure if I should trust myself again this time but you can only trust yourself when it comes to feelings. 

And that was the end. We never talked to each other again. But he did like my posts on Instagram. Err that is a good sign right? Still friends right? Hehe.

And that's the story of the man who made my heart raced and made it alive again. To this day, I still believe that God has sent him to show me how I could still feel the emotion that I asked for and He is just keeping the right one for me until I'm fully ready. Subhanallah.

Until then, I'm just going to improve myself by being a better Muslim, a better daughter, a better granddaughter, a better friend and most importantly, the best version of me that I could be. Wish me luck!

AND. Thank you to whoever that has made it this far to read this ridiculously long post! You are amazing. I hope you learned a thing or two from my experience. Oh and I would love to read your stories too. Share with me :)

Toodles!

writing dissertation

I am here in the Lounge are in my university's Student Union typing away the Findings section for my dissertation. I have never felt that I need to work outside my room since I have always been able to keep my focus better when I'm alone.

But age is catching me fast. Previous attempts to work in my room failed miserably for the past few months since my level of concentration falls beyond my expectation. Working in my room is more of 90% being distracted of the things I want to do versus 10% of actually doing work.

It is even harder when I can only focus for about an hour straight before my tummy suddenly churn out a sound complaining that its hungry when I just feed it like an hour before. Mengada!

In the student union, I feel more calm because I don't have to see the dusty spot on my window sill that I need to clean and wipe before I leave my room. I don't need to think about cleaning my bathroom that has been cleaned a week ago. I don't need to think about how many boxes I actually need to fit all my stuff before my travelling period starts. And I don't need to care how 'suddenly' hungry I feel after an hour of focusing.

Time just pass by quickly when I'm at the Student Union. Except when I bump into someone I know and we start to talk and try to do our work. Then that's another problem. But most of the time I would just stay quiet until my friend would start talking to me.

Here's a selfie of me trying to pretend everything is under control when it's actually not! Now back to dissertation. Hope all of you will have a good day! 

#salamperantauan from cardiff

They say we celebrate Raya for a month right, so Selamat Hari Raya from Cardiff! I apologise if there's anything that I did that might have hurt you directly or indirectly. May our deeds in Ramadhan are accepted by the Almighty and we'll have a blessed Ramadhan.

If I were back in Malaysia, I would wake up, shower and get ready to visit Nenek's grave and head to Eid'ul Fitri's morning prayers. After prayers I would change and get ready to entertain our guests until everyone's left.

This year, it's different. Although I'm away from my family and always at the edge of bursting into tears, I am thankful I have friends to celebrate it with. One of my friends, M, invited me to stay at her house pre-Raya and have a cooking session. 

Our last meal for Ramadhan

I also took the opportunity to cook nasi impit (compressed rice) with kuah kacang (peanut sauce) all with the help of mama over the phone (thank you technology!).

Kuah Kacang turned out a little bit salty but nothing that cannot be fixed

My pot was too small so I had to split these nasi impits up

M and I made carrot cake, roti jala, chicken curry, beef rendang, and peanut sauce then went off to bed at 2AM. Woke up the next morning at 7AM to get ready for Eid'ul Fitri's prayers organised by the Malaysian Cardiff Community (MCC) at Cathays Community Centre.

Oh we also almost didn't make it since most taxi drivers were off in the morning for the prayers as well (or at least that was our theory). We managed to get a taxi at the last minute and arrived just in time :D

Apart from that, I also accidentally cut my fingers from trying to unlock the bathroom door. It was so hard to open it that I exerted extra force. Unknowingly, my right thumb was cut during that process and I only noticed it when I was in my room trying to open the door. Out of all days.

Wearing Bella Ammara's sequin jubah and satin silk Duck Scarves in Peppercorn (I think).

My doctor E. Gah! Can't wait to see you again

I was surprised to meet my best friend, E there too! We were supposed to meet few days before to catch up on things but I had to help my aunt and cousin pack their things before they move out hence the cancellation. But Alhamdulillah we managed to meet before her graduation ceremony! So good to see you E.

I was FaceTime-ing and texting my family the whole morning too. Had to hold my tears back when I saw Atok on my phone screen. That feeling when you want to just reach out your hands to your family but you can't is one of the most frustrating feeling ever. 

My handsome Atok

Atok saw me wearing the head scarf while we were talking on FaceTime and he blurted out,

" Keep that on! You look good with that"

:|

Inshaa Allah Atok. Will do once I'm ready :p

M and I head back home to catch some sleep before we take the train to Treforest for Raya celebration with the Malaysian community and students from University of South Wales. Then it was picture time! 

Baju Raya from my favourite online store, FashionValet! Purchased on Wednesday morning, got it on Friday afternoon. Even faster than Poslaju okay. Free shipping to UK for orders over RM200. Go shop there now!

Most beautiful packaging of all!

Outfit from MalaquexFV

Selamat Hari Raya from South Wales. I'm enjoying all the #salamperantauan hashtags on Instagram I had to post one too. Once in a lifetime rightttttt.

One with M! Thank you for being such kind soul. May Allah bless you with all things wonderful :*

When I was feeling all happy, then my family decided to send a picture of them. Ish, now I'm about to cry again T_T

We had another invitation by Kak Faizah, a lady I often place my order from if I'm craving any Malaysian food. Had Assam Laksa and it was SO GOOD! Thank you Kak Faizah for inviting. 

Another thing I love about Raya is that you get to meet people that you have not met for months or years. I finally met Kak Laila who turned out to be my grand-aunt's colleague. We planned to meet earlier on but something came up and it just didn't happen. But lo and behold, I met her at Kak Faizah's house :D

All in all, I'd say it's not too bad having Raya here. It is first time being away from my family but when you have friends around, they sort of make up the missing members you always have back home. I'm so going to miss all these experiences. For now, shall we enjoy our last moments here.

#SalamPerantauan from Izzah at Cardiff, representing Cardiff University in Wales, UK.

Update: Two months til I head back home. Can't wait! :D

the racing heart: the plan

If you missed the first part, click here :)

____________________________________________________________

Now, where was I. Oh yes that tingly, good feeling.

After the career fair, I head on with an acquaintance for an Easter break trip. During the trip to Amsterdam, Brussels and Paris, all I had in my mind was just the day I had with him. I was enjoying the trip but there was a little voice constantly whispering to me how it would be nicer if he was the one with me on this trip. 

Throughout the 12 days of travelling, I just wished I could experience it with him. At that point I realised I definitely had developed a crush on him. I couldn't believe myself but I noticed that I talked about him too many times with my sisters. Even my sisters thought I had gone angau (eeks this is so so so embarrassing!).

I remembered I was at the top of Eiffel tower when I texted him telling him I was still safe despite travelling with a person I barely knew (okay that is a different story entirely). Just getting his replies blew me with excitement. I am completely over my head I tell you (pft! This is so not Izzah).

I even compared how he outweighs the guy who I've been travelling with and he was completely at the top of the scale, if there is one. Ah the things you think about when you're crushing on someone. This sounds hilarious by the way. The crazy things that we do haha

One with the Eiffel Tower!

Realising how much I wanted to see him again sparked an idea. He was going back to Malaysia for a couple of weeks for Easter break and I knew I had to ask him a favour to bring something back from Malaysia so I can pick it up from him and indirectly meeting him, again. 

Genius huh? :p

Being a good person that he is he said he could help me with the favour. So I asked my sister to buy my favourite pineapple tart that I was really, really craving for and arranged for the delivery. The plan worked. I was due to be in London end of May for an interview for my dissertation and I checked with him if he was free during the period I'll be in London.

"Yup, I'm free. Let me know the date you'll be coming".

I swear I jumped in happiness. I mean come on, who does not feel happy when they were to meet their crush right? It's normal peeps. Completely normal.

Tickets to London and coming back here, booked.
Accommodation with cousin, check.
Outfit after some last minute shopping, check.
Hearts going faster just thinking of him, definitely 100% check!

To be continued.

19 hours: it's ramadhan!

With Aunty Inn and Ika during our first tarawih

Referring to the title, more or less, that's the duration of time I am not allowed to eat or drink during the holy month, Ramadhan that I have been waiting this year *looks left and right anxiously*. I was quite scared that I might not be able to fast that long at first, but I did a few of the sunat fast prior to Ramadhan just so I know how it will feel like. Especially when it is the first time I'm fasting away from home, my family and friends. And it turned out okay! :D

Alhamdulillah, I've been granted to grace Ramadhan with my cousin and my aunt with me in Cardiff. Of course it feels different to be fasting longer but somehow, it has been bearable (it must have been the big, juicy Medjool dates). Mind you, those in Cardiff need to fast from 3am and break fast at 9.45pm. That is long for someone who is used to not eating for only 13 hours during Ramadhan back in their home country.

The trick for me to not feel like the clock is ticking slowly is by keeping busy. I'm at the stage where I'm writing my literature review and jotting my findings hence it keeps me off from the rumbling tummy. Oh and couple of watching movies and series somewhere in between. Okay fine, it's not good to lie. It's more of watching those rather than writing but I'm doing it bit by bit :p

Apart from keeping busy to let our minds off the act itself, the most important thing that all Muslims should strive for this month is to increase our deeds for Allah s.w.t. It's the month where we should read the Quran more, increase our charity efforts, and make full use of the time that we have to do all the good things. Oh let's not forget tarawih! It's the only month we can perform the special prayer leading up to Lailatul Qadar. 

Speaking of which, yesterday, during my first tarawih at a mosque nearby my house, I've been blessed to witness a new member of the Muslim community announcing his faith to Islam. MashaAllah, it was one of the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. 

He was a young man, probably around my age, all with his confidence said that he know what Islam is and how we live as a Muslim and he wants to be a Muslim. He then recited the syahadah in front of everyone. That second, he officially becomes a Muslim, Alhamdulillah. It was so magnificent to me I teared a little. Such brave soul. I have never seen a person converting in front of me and to be able to witness this is blissful.

We then had our 8 rakaat tarawih prayers which ended at 12am, rushed home to my cousin's place and prepared for sahur. No time to sleep! Had subuh and off we go to sleep. This is how I foresee how my days will go by this month. Wish me luck!

To all Muslims everywhere in the world, Salam Ramadhan al Mubarak. May we be blessed with the holy month, fill our days with good deeds and strengthen our iman, In shaa Allah. Until then, toodles! 

making fish nets aka roti jala

Roti Jala says hi!

Being a true Malaysian, it's absolutely understandable for you to bring all kinds of spices and food you can get from our beloved Malaysian to the country you'll be living. It is as if you will not survive without having a bit of Malaysian food. The funny people we are haha

I'm not excluded. In my case, I brought a whole box of serunding, sambal belacan my mom prepared for me, curry leaves (as if they don't have it in Cardiff), pandan leaves, Milo and anything you could possibly imagine a Malaysian would take with them. Cili api! Let's not forget that :p

But the most important thing I asked my mom to prepare for me was a bottle with three outlets for me to make these fish nets aka roti jala! 

I have never loved a bottle as much as this

My version of roti jala

It's one of the Malaysian dishes we make, eaten with chicken curry. Deeeeelicious I tell you! The recipe is so simple I could whip it up in 5 minutes! Just mix these ingredients together:

2 cups flour
1 cup fresh milk
1 egg
1 cup water
1 tablespoon melted butter
a pinch of salt and turmeric powder

Then blend it all in a blender until it becomes smooth. Easy!

But! What makes it slightly difficult is making the fish nets or jala-ing itself. You need to make sure the consistency of the batter somewhere between thin and thick to make sure it doesn't become too runny. 

I had a craving for roti jala during that one cold winter day and I had chicken curry, a leftover I made the day before. So I thought, why not I just try to whip this out. It was my first time making roti jala using the bottle my mom gave me. 

First time trying this out. Okay la hehe

And it turned out to be SO easy! Such a lifesaver! 

By the third round of making it, I felt like such a pro. Squeezing the batter out from the bottle, watching it oozes out excites me! I even decided to make it squared as opposed to the usual rounded shape.

Talking about them makes me feel like making them again. Maybe I should... 

Until then. Toodles!