guarded

When you thought it was going to go right for you, 

and all along you have been ignoring your guts, 

and when it came, 

you're just trapped in your cracked little kaleidoscope, 

where you have been living when you met him, 

the one he help created with faded ink.

So you try to bring everything together,

tying those loose ends,

patching the nooks and crooks,

holding what is left for you.

But none of it could stand together,

because it wasn't meant to be together,

it tore itself,

it tore you,

it tore what's left of you.

So you build an even bigger, thicker, taller wall,

to guard your broken pieces,

to protect yourself,

to never let anyone else come in.

No one.

the one worth looking up to

Before I go on with this post, I would like to wish all fathers, a Happy Papa's Day! You are always the yes' to the no's from mamas around the world :D

If you may have noticed, I rarely never talk about my dad here. Who is he, what happened to him, where is he, does he even exist and all that sort. I would always refer my grandpa as the father figure of my life (which he is and will always be) and most of my friends who've met my grandpa would always remember him. Truth is, I am no longer living with my dad since he has another family of his own.

My parents were separated when I was about 10 years old but honestly, I didn't feel anything when he went away. All I know back then was that he gave my sisters and I a Barbie doll each and said he will see us every weekend while packing up boxes of things into his car.

I didn't really understand what was going on even after Mama told us that we're going to see him once a week. But it got to me when I was in Standard 6 during my primary school when one of my friends told me that my parents were divorced. I was really nonchalant about it though since I think I got used to it. Now, we still meet once a year or when we need to but really, it doesn't matter to me. All I know is that he is still my father no matter what happens and I should respect him, that's all.

Because to me, Atok is the one acting as a father to me and my sisters.  Hey, actions do speak louder than words. I have Atok who drives me to school in the morning, picks me up in the afternoon and drives me again to afternoon religious school and pick me up after that. That was the usual routine that I had along with my sisters. My late grandma was the one who cooks for us and helps us get dressed while singing and watching her favourite shows on the television. Oh gosh, writing this out makes me miss Nenek so much. Al-fatihah to her. Mama would check on us after she comes back from work and would bring us to our music lessons during the weekends. It was pretty much normal to me up until high school.

Sometimes, I do get a little jealous over my friends who still have both their parents together. You can see the dynamics of their parents and they way they act with each other just how much care they have. To my friends whose parents are still together, be thankful and cherish them cause it took them a lot of hard work to make the relationship last this long. To those who don't, you're not alone. In fact, your single parent is somewhat a superhero. They could do things that requires two people. How amazing is that?! :D I am just glad Atok and Nenek stood by Mama when everything else was failing or I'm sure my sisters and I would not be where we are now.

It has been four years since Nenek left us and all I have now is Mama and Atok. Oh Atok, there are so many things that I am so proud of you and things that just drives me up to the wall sometimes. But my love for you just grew bigger everyday.

After all the scolding that I get for getting home late, for crashing my aunt's car with my big sister when we were 13 and 15 years old (big sister got straight A's in her PMR after that haha), being dragged to climb the trees to collect the fruits cause Atok's legs are weak to climb it. All the memories I have with Atok are precious to me.

I love it when he starts to tell his adventure stories when he was in the army. How tough it was coming from a family who could only afford to eat when the crops were good. The distance he would have to walk to school from his house since he could not afford to buy a bicycle. He would always remind me to be thankful for everything that I have now and he is always happy that he could provide his family and didn't have to go through the things he went through before.

To me, Atok is a genius. He skipped two years of primary school, jumping from Standard 2 to Standard 5. He wanted to go to college but since he had no funds, he chose to join the Malayan Armed Forces. He was a disciplined man (not like his granddaughters :p), who worked really hard, sincere and stand by his principles.

He was one of the few that was chosen to attend military training in the British Military Academy in Sandhurst, England. He would send the money he had back home to my late great-grandmother and make sure his little brothers are taken care of properly. He really was the father of his family since my great-grandfather passed away when Atok was only 7 years old. When Atok was 40 years old, the army sent him to Manchester to study a degree course for one year. ONE YEAR okay. It's like doing Masters except 3 years worth of study all cramped into one year! But my Atok pulled it off and graduated with flying colours! He retired holding one of the top posts in the army just amazes me.

Along the way, he was the financial controller of the family. He was and is still wise on what he needs to spend, something I still need to learn from him cause I can't stop shopping :p He plans his investments, minimise spending on unnecessary items like new clothes every month (unlike his second granddaughter who buys every week. Eeks okay got to stop), he buys properties and develop them so it could generate income. All that was worth it because today, he managed to send his granddaughter to study in the UK. And I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. He is religious and pious. He knows how to bring himself around and whenever he's not worried on something, his smile is the best smile I could ever dream of.

Nothing can replace him and he is the only man worth looking up to. I still have a long way to go, many things to learn and I wish I could be just like him. Well, to start off I have the impatient part instilled just like Atok and we do share the same birthday (coming up in few weeks!) haha.

Happy Father's Day Atok. You will always be the father to me. Oh and you'll get the card by this week. I forgot to send it off while I was keeping my head in my dissertation. I love you!

the racing heart: the plan

If you missed the first part, click here :)

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Now, where was I. Oh yes that tingly, good feeling.

After the career fair, I head on with an acquaintance for an Easter break trip. During the trip to Amsterdam, Brussels and Paris, all I had in my mind was just the day I had with him. I was enjoying the trip but there was a little voice constantly whispering to me how it would be nicer if he was the one with me on this trip. 

Throughout the 12 days of travelling, I just wished I could experience it with him. At that point I realised I definitely had developed a crush on him. I couldn't believe myself but I noticed that I talked about him too many times with my sisters. Even my sisters thought I had gone angau (eeks this is so so so embarrassing!).

I remembered I was at the top of Eiffel tower when I texted him telling him I was still safe despite travelling with a person I barely knew (okay that is a different story entirely). Just getting his replies blew me with excitement. I am completely over my head I tell you (pft! This is so not Izzah).

I even compared how he outweighs the guy who I've been travelling with and he was completely at the top of the scale, if there is one. Ah the things you think about when you're crushing on someone. This sounds hilarious by the way. The crazy things that we do haha

One with the Eiffel Tower!

Realising how much I wanted to see him again sparked an idea. He was going back to Malaysia for a couple of weeks for Easter break and I knew I had to ask him a favour to bring something back from Malaysia so I can pick it up from him and indirectly meeting him, again. 

Genius huh? :p

Being a good person that he is he said he could help me with the favour. So I asked my sister to buy my favourite pineapple tart that I was really, really craving for and arranged for the delivery. The plan worked. I was due to be in London end of May for an interview for my dissertation and I checked with him if he was free during the period I'll be in London.

"Yup, I'm free. Let me know the date you'll be coming".

I swear I jumped in happiness. I mean come on, who does not feel happy when they were to meet their crush right? It's normal peeps. Completely normal.

Tickets to London and coming back here, booked.
Accommodation with cousin, check.
Outfit after some last minute shopping, check.
Hearts going faster just thinking of him, definitely 100% check!

To be continued.

the racing heart: the first meeting

I have tried writing countless of time to make it as short as possible but it just turned out long so I had them divided into a few parts :)

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It's a mistake for me to over-generalise that everyone has had their heart racing for a certain reason but I'd like to think that for now.

I have never had my heart beat as fast as it did for few years now up until last two weeks. You might think that it sounds bad but to me, it's actually a blessing in disguise.

I had actually prayed for that feeling to come and Alhamdulillah, He answered my prayers, albeit not exactly how I wanted but I'll understand when the real reason comes. Since becoming partner-less for  almost four years, partly due to the wall I built to refrain myself from getting hurt again and also because I enjoy the solitude. I love it so much that I thought I had lost the capability to ever have at least a bit of crush to another person.

So I prayed that one night before going to a career fair in London end of March asking Him to at least let me feel what it's like and let me know if I am still human without expecting when and how it will happen. I know it's a bit dramatic but I just need to have that concern addressed.

At the Malaysian Career Fair right before I bumped into him

Truly He is the Almighty, I bumped into an old colleague from the place I was interning before, when I was on my way out from the hotel the career fair was held. I didn't notice him at first but I did see a guy pointing his finger at me while making a ridiculously funny face.

I thought he was pointing to someone who was behind me but as I glanced back, I didn't see anybody. He kept on doing that face until he shouted my name. Surprised by that it was my turn to make the weirdest face I could possibly imagine and asked "who are you?".

He uttered his name and I still couldn't figure out who he was until he mentioned the department he worked for. It has been a couple of years since I last did my internship and I didn't exactly keep in touch with some of the people there. He was one of them (if you're reading this, oopsie sorry :p).

He was pursuing his Masters here just like I am and honestly, it is the last place I would expect to bump into someone from the past. We even had each other's numbers! Since I was rushing back home, he texted me telling me if I was ever in the area where he was staying we could catch up.

We did the next day and surprisingly, for two people whose topic would consist of only work-related topics few years ago and never had anything beyond that, we talked as if we've known each other for a very long time. We were very open with each other and we could just practically talk about anything.

But the one thing that caught me and I remembered it til this day was how he said that he wants to get married but he didn't have anybody in mind, i.e. he's still single. It went on like this,

Him: I want to get married

Me: Oh are you engaged? *feeling delighted so I could congratulate him*

Him: No *saying it while grinning*

Me: Then, you have a girlfriend? *starting to doubt his next answer*

Him: No *he laughed*

Me: Then who are you going to marry? Haha

Him: That's the problem. I don't know *he said sheepishly*

I just had a huge laugh when he said that. But at that moment, that was one of the point where I thought he was the person I might end up with. 

By the end of the day, we said our goodbyes and on the train ride back, I caught myself smiling to myself.  This has not happened for a very long time and I just had that warm, tingly, good feeling. I haven't met someone that I could just click instantly for a very very long time and I just had that feeling that he was the one. 

Crazy right? How you can meet someone and you suddenly have that feeling like they're going to be your life partner. 

But, I must warn you, things may have not go as you'd expect.

To be continued