song for zula

It's time to bring back this space to life. I don't think people read blogs now since we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other sorts.

But I like to keep this place a place for sanity and as a record of whatever I'm going through. What's that word? Yes, a diary. If you may call it so.

I haven't had the urge to post publicly for a long time but since we're under Movement Control Order (MCO) - oh ya, we have a virus attacking the entire world now called COVID-19 and almost all of Malaysia are under house quarantine - I thought I just update here.

I was brought to post this as I was reminded by a movie I watched last night, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. One of my favourite movies and not just because Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone is in there. But you could not deny the chemistry they have there.

I'm talking about this one particular scene where "Song For Zula" by Phosphorescent is playing and you see Peter Parker using his spider sense to cross the road while having his gaze at Gwen Stacy the ENTIRE time.

If you still have no clue, watch this below:

This scene beats even the fighting scenes in there. It was heart-breaking but warm and magical at the same time. Perhaps because it also reminds me of my past. 

You know when you're young but you're trying to figure out yourself and trying to be an adult but there's some things that you forgive but you can't forget.

This scene feels so full of mixed emotions. The anxiety of trying to move forward, the love that is still there even when one tries to deny it, the emotional investment, the effort of trying to stay close but having a line in between and trying not to go overboard, the chances to take to see if there's still future in it. They are all bottled up in this very scene. 

So much love but so much sadness at the same time.

Listen to the full song for more feels:

Until then.

Toodles.

i'm ready

I have never felt a feeling this strong,
that I am ready to welcome
a new person into my life. 

But ever since meeting a soul
that I would call a best friend,
it made me realise and acts as a reminder
of what I was focusing on
when I'm searching for a life partner.

Preparing my life with echoes of being together
Keeping the other side of the bed ready for my partner
Singing songs to bring you closer
Saving the other half of my soul for my insider

Thank you best friend for unintentionally
be the foundation that I thought I had lost

For unintentionally letting the real me
be reminded of how I really am
how I can actually be

For trusting me and let me be
the person who
you'd pour your heart inside out

Now, let me trust God to show the right path
And guide me to the right person

#fingerscross

that tiny detail

There will always be that one tiny detail, as much as you want it to be perfect, that tiny detail changes it.

When you seek for it, you set a benchmark on it hoping that someday, one day, you'll find what you are searching for.

And when you don't wish for it, it comes knocking through the door. You analyse it. Scrutinising it. Checking each and every inch of it to make sure that it is real. 

Everything seems perfectly fine until you found that one tiny detail. At that time, that tiny detail was a huge matter to you. But why do you feel that it is not going to be a big deal eventually?

Is this risk worth taking? Have you calculated it thoroughly? Can you survive with that tiny detail that you worry might shadow you until you settle down?

Will you find another version of it if you let it go now? Or will you regret the decision of letting it go?

If you go through with it, can you stand that one tiny detail that is bothering you? Or will you learn to compromise and put that tiny detail aside and be thankful for what you have?

A lot of people say that it is not a problem that will cause the end of the world. But, you know to you it does seem like it can cause the end of the world. 

Take a step back and analyse once more.

It makes you happy most of the time. 

It talks to you most of the time.

It goes along with what you want most of the time.

It gives you a genuine happiness that you have long forgotten about.

It makes you grin from ear to ear.

It understands you and comprehends what you are feeling.

It accepts you for who you are without ever asking for you to change.

It melts you down to your knee (you don't know this yet but it will, I think).

It looks like it has a potential future.

It likes what you like.

It gives vibes that you last felt with your past. And that vibe is super strong.

It makes jokes that you could understand and it understands your jokes.

It holds a certain charm that is slowly pulling you in without you realising it.

It reads and suggests you good books.
It argues with you and somehow ending it with a plausible solution.
It makes a weird but in a good way kind of dynamic.

It is everything you ever wanted.

So, is it worth taking the risk?

If it is, what will it turn out as?

tell me something i don't know

All my life, I have always told myself that everything happens for a reason. And I believe this whole-heartedly.

And today, I believe in whatever that has happened for the past few months, was just a reminder of what I was looking for and what I deserved. 

For someone who has been all by herself for the longest time, it's hard to find that person you can click, let alone be 'the' potential one. But when someone said, just give it a try, I took it with the bravest heart and put in my long-shot.

To the other person, it was hard to open myself up but the way you reacted when I told you that I can't go on with you, had me closed in even more. As the other party, I was hoping that you understand where I was coming from. 

Instead, you told me I was breaking you at your hardest level. I was selfish. I was the three things that you look for but not the last one. I needed to be skinny. 

How can I accept a person when they could not accept me as who I am?

I told you that you deserve someone better. I told you that there's hikmah in everything that happens. But instead, you told me in the coldest way, "tell me something I don't know".

Well for once, I didn't ask for this to happen. I was pressured, pressed and pushed to have a go with you. But when I really couldn't accept you, they start to blame me for not giving a chance. 

Wasn't baring my heart open not giving chance? Wasn't investing my time and energy not giving chance? Wasn't investing my money not giving chance? I know my worth and this was not worth it.

At that point, you have just reaffirmed all the thoughts that were surrounding me.

Some part of me whispered to be to give you another chance. But when you let all hell breaks loose after I told you I can't see my future with you, my whole body was already done building up walls to cover from your sharp words.

I'm sorry for unintentionally hurting you. Everything happened so fast, go with the flow they said, but when I realised it was not the flow that I needed to go, I had to stop, think with my brain and not my heart and be realistic for a moment.

You are not the only person that has a list of qualities that you expect from a partner. I have mine and you did not fulfil any of it.

As I always say this, to let someone into my life, was also to let that someone into my family's life. Hence, I will always scour out those who is worth it to be my family.

And you were not.

Goodbye.

are you guys going to the wedding?

That was my only question to my two best friends last night. We were invited to our schoolmate's wedding next month and being the only one officially single, I did want to have them around with me instead of sticking like a sore thumb alone in a ceremony filled with love. 

Don't get me wrong. I still love weddings but it's just one of those events where sometimes I do need a plus one to accompany me. And this is one of it.

I waited for their reply which feels like forever.......

Until Tin replied me asking who is free to talk. Naturally, I would always be ready to talk. So I replied, "I can".

A few minutes later she called me and what she told just had me speechless.

"Izzah, I'm in the hospital"

I kid you not, my mouth was just gaping open, speechless and trying to comprehend the information I just got. Mind you, she was 37 weeks pregnant. My thoughts just drifted to the days we were in school, our days out together, our memories and dirty secrets. And she is having a baby now! Gosh.

Let's back track a bit.  A couple of weeks ago, we gathered together at Ben's for Tin's baby shower! 

And now she's having a baby?! Mentally trying to brain this. . . . . 

Anyhow, let's all pray for a smooth delivery for my best friend! Tin, I love you so much that only Allah knows how much I appreciate you! Now, PUSH!

ed sheeran is all over!

I just realised my Nuffnang header and sidebars have Ed Sheeran Live in KL on it! Woohoo!

I didn't disclose that I managed to buy tickets to his show, didn't I? 

YES! This girl right here, typing super fast just cause she is ecstatic, has got tickets to watch her favourite singer ever this November! *do the happy dance!* 

 Funny story when I was purchasing the tickets. I was late to work and I almost forgot about the tickets since I had a meeting that was about to start. Just as I arrived at the office, I got my laptop out and just click the link in the bookmark (of course I've bookmarked it). After clicking 'Buy Tickets', a page appeared stating that I was in the queue to purchase the tickets.

So I waited and I was curious on what other people were talking about for his show in KL. I checked out the organiser's Facebook page and boyyyy..... there were a lot of comments going on. I only realised they released the seating map soon after. By the time I understood the layout plan, I clicked back to the tickets tab and it automatically refreshes itself.

"Ohhhh.... It's time to buy the tickets!", I talked to myself. It went to the homepage and asked me to choose my preferred seat and that sort. I even had the time to go back to the seating layout on the other tab. As my cousin wanted to go as well, I even picked up the seats for her. 

"Time to checkout...... DONE!" You do not know how it feels to finally get something that you have been wanting for so long! YASSSSS!

Told my cousin I managed to purchase the tickets and that's when I started to read that a lot of people had trouble to purchase them. Phewww... thank God the process I went through was not as hectic as others encountered.

Now that's over, we can finally focus on our one goal. TO MEET ED SHEERAN!

I just can't wait to see him perform live in front of my eyes. Ahhh I can just imagine listening and gasping on how good he sounds like *doze off to dreamy Sheeranland*

To whomever that has got tickets to his show, I'll see you there! Say hi to me if you see me :D

Until then. Off to Sheeranland!